How Collaborating with Your Child/Teen Creates Less Sexual Anxiety
The distinction between connecting to control and control through connection
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This week on Sexvangelicals, we’re exploring how to talk about sex with your children when you’ve grown up in an Evangelical, Mormon, or Pentecostal community with Lindsay, Meg, and Sarai from the Holy Ghosting Podcast.
Meg shares:
“To me [growing up in Evangelical communities], sex was anything that gave me any sense of pleasure in my nether regions. So any kind of sexual or sensual touching was not okay with me, with boyfriends or anything, because I felt like if I turned that light switch on, that was bad. Full stop, no sexual feelings or desires because that was sexual promiscuity, which could lead to sexual things, and all of them were villainized.
All kinds of sexual things were villainized for me. Kissing was okay, hand holding, that sort of thing. But when I started to shift that language in myself about how do I now define sex, given a non hetero partnership, it created this entire lack of vocabulary or understanding or knowledge about my own sexuality. I'm a little bit lost.
I'm glad my kid doesn't have all those same religious hang ups because when we have those conversations, or any of the kids that lived with me, those conversations happen in normal human ways without that concept of trying to control the outcome or what they do or don't do with their own sexuality. That has helped me to learn a lot.
And that trial and error doesn't seem as scary now because I'm going like, “Oh, it's not up to me to know everything and educate other people.” It really is a dialogue and a conversation where we get to learn and discover and understand things.
Breaking that thing of being a parent of “I know everything and I will teach you” is a really big liberation moment, especially when it comes to talking about sexuality.”
In yesterday’s Substack, I referenced Amy Schalet’s Not Under My Roof as required reading for new parents. Schalet, a professor of sociology at UMass-Amherst, interviews Dutch parents and American parents about how they talk with their kids about sexuality.
In The Netherlands (as I’m learning, at least in the more progressive provinces, like Utrecht, where we live, and much of Noord Holland, which hosts Amsterdam), it’s common practice for parents of teenagers to partner with schools in providing comprehensive sex education to their children. Teenagers and parents will talk about attraction, dating interests, and curiosities.
Schalet describes the process of the sleepover. Let’s say a teenager has been dating someone for a bit. The teenager will ask their parents if they can invite their dating partner over for a sleepover. The parent will call/contact the parent of the dating interest, and they will negotiate a sleepover, where the two teenagers can have the house (or at least a portion of the house) to themselves so they can have a safe space for a sexual experience. The parent will buy condoms, as well as any other contraceptive devices prior to the sex date, lube, and any other items that might help set the mood for a positive sexual experience.
When I describe this to my American clientele, I get looks of shock, followed by, “Well that would never happen here. Not under my roof anyway.” And remember, I work in Massachusetts, allegedly the Union’s most progressive state.
So how does this happen? Is it really that The Netherlands is that much more progressive? (After living here, I would answer that question no, especially after remembering that 52% of the electorate voted for one of the two right-wing parties in the 2023 election.)
Schalet explores communication processes between parents and children and distinguishes two strategies:
Connect to control.
Control through connection.
Connecting to control assumes that the world is dangerous, people are untrustworthy, there’s a clear power hierarchy between parent and child, and it’s the job of the parent to protect their children from hardship. As such, parents are much more likely to ask questions in the arena of:
“When are you going to be home?”
“What are the phone numbers of your friends?”
“Will you call me before you leave?”
“Did you get your homework done?”
In my own household, my dad was the primary communicator about sex, and compared to other American parents I’ve gotten to know, it could have been so much worse. I remember several conversations where my dad described if I went to a party and things got out of hand, such as substance use, and if I got intoxicated, that I could call him and he’d pick me up, no questions asked. Fortunately for him, large groups of people that don’t have assigned seats have always stressed me out (which is why I love sporting events, but outdoor music festivals are a no-go for me), and he’s described enough about the abusive behavior of his own alcoholic father to discourage me from trying intoxication on for size myself.
The conversation was convivial, and I’m really thankful for his efforts to have those with me. The focus of that conversation was also my safety, and knowing that my dad could be a dependable source for my safety.
Control through connection assumes that, while the world may be dangerous, the teenager has the capacity to learn critical thinking skills to make decisions for themselves, and families and communities support children in making those skills. The show Old Enough is an example of this for young children, where Japanese parents invite their young children to run errands throughout their towns, and the community supports the child, rather than calling DCF or the cops and reporting a missing child, as would happen in the US.
For older children and teenagers, control through connection involves the following questions:
“Who are your best friends, and what are parts of that relationship that you enjoy?”
“What did you learn from (insert experience here)?”
“What do you find attractive about this person? And how does this relationship help you be you?”
Schalet also notes that conversations in the control through connection model have a calm, matter-of-fact intonation, while connect to control interactions have a tinge (at minimum) of anxiety, worry, and fear.
As such, in the control through connection model, teenagers share a lot more information with their parents about how they’re thinking about the world and why they made the decisions they made with their parents. There’s some resistance that comes with any adolescent. But there’s also a lot less secretive behavior than in societies (like the US) with connect to control models of parenting.
Schalet links this to other research studies in which teenagers describe their initial sexual experiences, which often involve rushed, impulsive decision making processes, and thus open themselves up to challenges with lubrication, pain, and consent.
Schalet suggests that teenage pregnancy, sexual abuse, and intimate partner violence are much higher in communities who have parent-child relationships with a connect-to-control model, because parents are often viewed by teenagers as a foil to exploration, rather than a partner in exploring the world.
Control through connection invites parents to step into the perspective of their children, to be curious about their developing personality traits and preferences, and consider how they might collaborate with their children (without doing things for their children) to help them meet their goals.
Relationship Experiment
This weekend, pay attention to a task or goal that your child is working on. Maybe it’s a project, or maybe it’s a relationship with a peer. Ask them, in the most matter-of-fact, curious tone possible, “What are you learning about _____?” If they are under the age of 10, invite them to draw or color with you.
As Relationship 101 evolves, we want to conclude more of our articles with the Relationship Experiments. Let us know what you learned in the comment section:
Let’s heal together!
Jeremiah and Julia