The Difference Between Complaints and Criticisms
Complaints lead to systemic change; criticism reinforces the negative interaction cycle
Our newest episode of our fall series called How to Do Social Justice This Election Season Without Being a Jackass, got published on Monday.
We’re experiencing a rise of disinformation, or the intentional distortion of facts, coincide with extremely abhorrent behavior from our leaders—this week, North Carolina gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson took some attention away from the heinous activities of Trump and JD Vance.
We consistently hear some version of the following questions from our clients.
What do we do about this?
How can we talk with our children and family members about the combination of abysmal behavior from Republican politicians and systemic enabling from the larger party and corporate media?
How can we engage with this without reinforcing the ugly parts of politics?
Complaints and Criticisms
In couples therapy, we talk about the distinction between a complaint and a criticism.
A complaint is a reflection on some sort of behavior or interaction pattern that isn’t working. Complaints address how a system solves its problems.
A criticism is a reflection on the person whose behavior isn’t working. Criticisms address who or what is causing the system to underfunction or malfunction.
This week, we introduce the research of Charlene McKibben, who teaches politics at Queen’s University in Belfast. McKibben reminds us that populism, or the push to a more extreme political position (and often, the jackassdom that comes with that, relies on moralism.
Moralism and Moral Criticisms
Moralism happens when blame becomes, using her words, “inappropriate” or “excessive”. It presents a clear villain or scapegoat who can be blamed for the ills of society. It places blame and namecalls people who may confront or operate differently from the populist actor, and suggests that others who join the populist in this blaming absolve themselves from their own issues.
Moralism also relies on the process of thinking that you are better than other people. And because that is true, you have the right to treat those under you with cruelty and punishment.
A good populist actor, and I would suggest that Trump is quite good at this, encourages divisions among people rather than a diversity that ensures all people have access to equality. These moralistic attitudes normalize criticism and hatred for specific groups of people.
McKibben compares moralism to moral criticism. She defines moral criticism as “a well-reasoned and thoughtful critique of another person’s actions”. Most importantly, these reflections acknowledge a basic sense of respect for the other person.
For more information about Charlene McKibben, check out her article “Populism on the Periphery of Democracy: Moralism and Recognition Theory”, published in a 2023 issue of the Critical Review of International Social and Political Philosophy.
How to Develop Well-Reasoned and Thoughtful Critiques
I love McKibben’s definition of a well-reasoned and thoughtful critique. I think these two adjectives can help us define some specific ways that we can engage in moral criticism and move away from the diagnostic stereotyping that fuels moralism.
A well-reasoned and thoughtful critique of another person’s actions. You need time and space to make that well-reasoned critique. It takes additional time and space to do that in a way that humanizes the other.
It’s really hard to provide that it’s really hard to provide moral critiques in a 45 second TikTok video, or a 300 character post on Instagram. Podcasts and Substack, both of which focus on longer forms of content, allow us to provide moral criticisms that allow us to get into context of the topic and practice a prolonged sense of empathy and understanding.
Thoughtfulness and well-reasoned perspectives can also develop by reading books about history, sociology, and politics that are properly and thoroughly cited.
Better yet, we encourage you to read novels that explore these themes. Watch plays where actors are playing out social engagement and experiences of injustice in real time—live theater can be a better way to interact with these processes than movies or TV, which are heavily edited.
And most importantly, we invite you to take people out for coffee or lunch and ask them how they’re engaging with the world around them. Ask questions that are designed to get to know them and understand their world better, rather than gotcha moments.
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Julia and I would love to help you and your partner find more effective ways to navigate differences, particularly in this culture that encourages reactivity, gotcha moments, and being right. We are accepting referrals for relationship coaching—please email us at sexvangelicals@gmail.com for more information.
And stay tuned to the launch of our new website and professional relationship coaching business, to be formally announced in November!
Let’s heal together!
Jeremiah and Julia