Twelve Questions That Can Help You Talk With Your Children About Sex More Effectively
Talking about sex is really hard, regardless of how much info you received about sex growing up. We hope these questions can provide some guidelines for ensuring your kids get more effective info.
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Julia and I had dinner last night with some dear friends, and, as sometimes happens when you have a meal with two sex therapists, the conversation turned toward some of the more unique things that we’re seeing in sex therapy. Julia described a relationship where partners are determining how to navigate intimacy and connectedness while also, for the last 30 years, stabilizing a child with severe intellectual capacities. I talked about a couple who’s exploring coprophilia, and the relationship dynamics that have evolved over the course of their 15 year relationship.
Our friends, both highly educated, progressive, sexually curious people, responded with some variation of, “I don’t know how you do it!”
Even for those who have received the most comprehensive, body-positive education and experiences around sexuality, practicing sexual health is extremely hard. (It’s infinitely harder for folks who Julia and I study—those who grew up in Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal communities, for whom sexual expression is commonly demonized.)
Sexuality, from partnered sex to masturbation to gender expression and sexual orientation, has a relational component. The ways that we engage with sexuality impacts other people; despite what the wellness world might tell you, you cannot engage in sexual health without engaging in relational health.
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When Julia and I want to have a sexual experience, we have to determine a way to communicate to each other what, when, where, and how we might want that experience. When a person comes out as queer, they have to consider how others might respond, and the relationships that might shift and get lost (through no fault of their own, so long as the coming out process also doesn’t involve coercive sexual behaviors, which, contrary to propaganda from American conservative groups, it almost never does).
One of the most common areas that we see anxiety around sexuality is in the parent-child dynamic. This week on our podcast, Sexvangelicals, we talk with Lindsay, Meg, and Sarai from the Holy Ghosting Podcast about their experiences discussing sexuality with their children, especially as all three of them grew up in religious communities that highlighted and profited off of sex-negative messages.
Last year, Dr. Amanda Holman, professor of communication studies at Creighton University, and others published the article subtitled “Balancing the Competing Struggles Parents Experience in Talking to Their Children About Sex-Related Topics” in the fall/winter issue of Journal of Family Communication.
The title of their article? “Did I Say Too Much? Did I Say Enough?”
I really love this article because, rather than providing a template for how to talk with kids about sexuality, Holman and her colleagues name four tensions, or ethical conundrums, that their 78 research participants (as a qualitative project, by the way, this is an outstanding number) describe wrestling with in trying to provide this balance between empowering and protecting their children. In describing this research, I want to name three questions that might help parents determine how they want to navigate this tension in a way that works best for their family and the development, personality, and quirks of their children.
The tension between sex education and overexposure. What specific, factual information do you want your children to know about their bodies? What are the relational processes (i.e. consent) that you want to be able to practice with your children? How will my children communicate to me that they’ve received too much information too quickly? (And note, that’s a completely different process than “How will I know, as a parent, that my fear is telling me that my child can’t handle as much as they actually can?”
The tension between family values and breaking the cycle. What are five values that define your family? (I encourage folks to look through Scott Jeffrey’s list of core values for assistance.) What are the specific strategies that your parents, and your parents’ parents used to avoid talking about sexuality and sexual health? What are ways that you might want to communicate about sexual health differently, and how do those communication strategies align with the five values that you picked from the Jeffrey list? Remember, in family therapy, the how (process) matters a lot more than the what (outcome). In fact, nailing the process more often than not leads to the outcome you want.
The tension between accurate information and influencing sources. Who are adults in your life that effectively and accurately talk about sexuality and sexual health? How do you talk with your children about sexually explicit material, and distinguish between education, entertainment, and propaganda? (For instance, pornography is entertainment, not education.) How do you teach and practice media literacy, both as a parent and with your children? (For instance, if someone doesn’t cite their sources, nor explain the context of their sources, it’s less likely to be accurate.)
The tension between parent control and child autonomy. What are ways that you teach safety to your children, and how do you empower your children to take accountability both for their own safety and the safety of others? What are ways that you process mistakes (or, a better term, learning opportunities) with your children? What are things that you and your partner do to alleviate anxiety while your child experiments with the world, especially given the lack of ready-made boundaries and parameters in virtual spaces? I cannot refer Amy Schalet’s Not Under My Roof enough—Schalet talks about this tension in her book.
I want to ask two things of you today:
Please leave in the comment sections which of these questions you find the most challenging to navigate. Also, feel free to share ways that you and your partner are successfully navigating one of these questions.
Who are people that you’re parenting alongside of? Your child’s co-parent? Parents of the friends of your children? Please share this article with others in your family’s village.
Let’s heal together!
Jeremiah and Julia