15 Reasons People are Drawn to Consensual Non-Monogamy

Understanding why ethical non-monogamy might be important to us is an essential part of the creation and structuring of the possible relationship structures.

This spring, our podcast series answers the ten most common questions that we hear from clients and others in the faith transitioning space.

This week, we’ve invited our friends Jimmy Bridges and Becs Waite, co-owners of the private practice This Space Between, to answer the following question:

What if I want to have sex with other people?

This question is typically an entry point into a conversation about ethical non-monogamy, or at least permission to discuss a relationship structure other than monogamy. (We’ll talk about non-consensual non-monogamy, what we refer to as infidelity, in other Substack series.)

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Next week, we’ll talk more about specific considerations when exploring ethical non-monogamy. However, today, we want to answer a slightly different question:

Why are people drawn to ethical non-monogamy?

Jimmy explains that understanding why ethical non-monogamy might be important to us is an essential part of the creation and structuring of the possible relationship structures:

“I want to know  Why? I want to know how this desire is felt by everyone. Does everybody feel it?

Similarly, are there differences in what is wanted? And then how are these differences handled in the relationship? How long have you all been talking about it? What have those conversations felt and sounded like as you've described what you've wanted and there might be differences?”

Becs adds:

 “I'm assessing for clarity first and foremost, wanting to see if each partner has clarity about why it is important to them. But also seeing if there's clarity, if each partner understands why it's important to their partner.

That gives me a good sense of where they're at, and being able to tolerate those differences. Because when we have that tolerance, we are able to consider a different perspective without feeling like our own experience is being threatened or our own perspective is being threatened.

And so that's for me, a big part of asking why. I think it invites, again, this idea of how do we navigate this with intentionality.”

The reality is that a lot of Americans are actively practicing some version of non-monogamy, and a lot more Americans are considering it. From a 2023 Yougov study:

The most noticeable variable to practicing and approving non-monogamy is age. In the next 20 years, it’ll be interesting to see if the increasing approval toward a non-monogamous relationship structure is strictly something that is more available to folks who are younger, who often have less shared familial obligations (i.e. children, property ownership), or if the increasing approval is indicative of a larger cultural shift around family structure, the role of marriage, and the necessity for new kinds of support in an increasingly individualized and technocratically driven world.

For today, however, I want to reflect on how other people answer the question “Why might I be drawn to ethical non-monogamy?”

Daniel Cardoso, professor of sociology at the Manchester Metropolitan University and Lusófona University, studies the practice of non-monogamy in Portugal. A few years ago, they asked 463 Portuguese residents to define polyamory.

A couple of quick notes before we continue.

First, I would argue polyamory is an element of ethical non-monogamy. Leanne Yau at Polyphilia Blog defines polyamory as:

“An egalitarian arrangement where everyone can have as many romantic partners as they want. There are no restrictions on individuals based on who they’re partnered with, and people are free to express their sexuality regardless of gender.”

I would offer a different definition of polyamory, that polyamory is the intentional structuring and agreements of consistent, ongoing relationships.

However, I agree with Leanne in her definition of ethical non-monogamy:

“Any arrangement where people have multiple consensual romantic, sexual, and/or intimate connections.

The reason why people specify their non-monogamy is “ethical” is to distinguish from cases where people go behind their partner’s backs and lie about having other partners, i.e. cheating. Ethical non-monogamy (often shortened to ENM) is ethical because everyone knows what is going on and consents to the arrangement.”

Even in the field of sexual health, there are differing definitions, driven by different focal points. Much like non-monogamous relationships, it’s important to simultaneously allow the differences to enrich the conversation and highlight the similarities.

And second, I think Cardoso’s question “What is polyamory?” is important because the public doesn’t really care about the linguistic splittings of hair that happen at therapy conferences and research rooms. What’s most important is how you define polyamory.

And that standard is true in the therapy room as well.

The ways that we define a term also speak to the importance and value of that term or concept.

With that said, organizing how 463 people define polyamory, a more publicly accessible term to ethical non-monogamy, gives us insight into why ethical non-monogamy might be important to other people, and thus why you might find value in it.

Cardoso and their colleagues identified 15 common themes in definitions of polyamory, and thus, 15 reasons that folks might find polyamory and ENM an appealing option for how they practice relationships and sexuality.

For more information, check out their article “Defining Polyamory: A Thematic Analysis of Lay People’s Definitions” in a 2021 issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior.

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