Relational Health Is Sexual Health — Why Our Schools Must Teach Both

Imagining a world in which relationship education is required learning for our junior high and high school students.

This week, we’re talking about the process of deconstruction. In our episode on Sexvangelicals this week, Julia defines deconstruction as:

“The process of reevaluating the worldview and behavioral expectations of a specific community, including sexual worldviews and behavioral expectations. Talking openly about sexual experiences that exist outside of purity culture dictates is one of the fastest ways that a couple from a high control religious context may begin deconstructing.”

The first part of deconstruction involves unlearning some of the harmful messages that we indirectly absorbed or were actively taught about sexuality. On Tuesday, I shared about what public schools taught me about sexuality.

What Do You Wish You Had Learned Differently About Sex?

And one of our key values is sexual health is relational health. And relational health is sexual health.

And while I received minimal information about sexuality, outside of the physiological processes of STIs, I learned absolutely nothing about how to effectively do relationships.

This wasn’t helped by my religious communities, who assumed that “get married and stick it out” was enough relationship education. My parents’ relationship follows this script, and I certainly want a different relationship than theirs.

So today, rather than railing against the absence of relational and sexual health in school systems, I want to describe a relationship education program that has a ton of potential.

Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

The Relationship Smarts Plus 5.0 program is an evidence-based relationship education program designed by the Dibble Institute, a 501c3 nonprofit that:

“Promotes relationship training for youth—especially in the context of interpersonal and romantic connections. Our goal is to empower youth and young adults with skills to successfully build and sustain their relationships that will build a foundation for healthy romantic relationships now, and for lasting, positive family environments in the future.”

Marline Pearson, sociology professor at the Madison Area Technical College in Madison, WI, guides 12-18 year olds through a 12 step process. (A thanks to Julia Alamillo and Elizabeth Doran for their 2022 summary.)

1. Who Am I, and Where Am I Going? Relational health starts with an understanding of self, and the first chapter invites teenagers to consider their , passions, personality traits, preferences, and goals.

2. Maturity Issues and What I Value: The foundations for relational health continues with physical, emotional, mental, and social health. An exploration of values, or characteristics that guide and inform decision-making and desired outcomes, is necessary to link these four together.

3. Attraction and Infatuation: Common interests, shared values, and friendship are the foundations of a healthy relationship. Teenagers are encouraged to resist impulsive relational and sexual decisions.

4. Love and Intimacy: Pearson and her team evaluate relational success through three principles: passion, intimacy, and commitment. She invites students to assess for the types of love and intimacy through evaluating modern media.

5. Principles of Smart Dating Relationships: Students learn seven qualities of a health relationship, including curiosity, “I” language, and respecting boundaries.

6. Is It a Healthy Relationship: Students identify yellow and red flags in relationships, and develop ways to determine your relational needs, and whether or not the relationship you’re in meets those needs.

7. Breaking Up and Dating Violence. Students learn when it’s time to end a relationship, be that through a natural end, or acknowledging the early signs for dating control and violence. Students practice specific strategies for communicating the end to a relationship, and how they can take care of themselves through that process, specifically if there’s an emotional or physical risk.

8. Decide, Don’t Slide: Students learn strategies for making clear relationship decisions, rather than “sliding” into situations that don’t work for them. They also explore what role they want partnership and parenthood to play in their future development.

9. A Foundation for Good Communication. Students practice healthy communication strategies, such as speaker-listener and taking a timeout. They also reflect on the communication practices within their families of origin, and discuss what strategies they want to borrow and what they want to do differently.

10. Communication Skills. Students distinguish between complaints and criticisms, acknowledge deeper, underlying issues within their arguments, and effective problem solving strategies.

11. Sexual-Decision Making Skills. Students explore the emotional and psychological elements of sexuality, and learn how to make sexual decisions based on their values rather than impulsivity. They also get medically accurate information about pregnancy and STIs, and role play how to navigate challenging and unwanted sexual situations.

12. Unplanned Pregnancies. Students discuss what it means to be a good parent, the developmental needs of young children, and how one knows they have the capacity to engage in caring for children.

13. Technology and Social Media. Students learn how to build relationships in the virtual world, and some of the limitations that the virtual world provides for relational health. The content also delves into cyberbullying and navigating pornography.

One of the challenges with research on relationship education programs like this one is that they’re taught once as an elective, or after-school, on a small federal grant. Evaluations show that students who take these courses have more realistic expectations about relationships, more conflict (which is great, because students are advocating for themselves and their differences), and better conflict management skills.

However, students often lose these skills 2-3 years later. Remember, these courses are often taught as one-offs.

One of the themes we’ve discussed on Relationship 101 before is that Republicans say the word “family” and “marriage” a ton, but their policies do little to support the healthy development of families and relationships. Democrats’ policies do a little bit more to support the healthy development of families and relationships, but they seldom talk about the family and relationships.

What would happen if state or federal Departments of Education mandated a course like this as required education for junior high and high school?

Sure, there would have to be some amendments made to the coursework that we currently deem to be a valuable part of a teenager’s education.

But, especially in a season of national partisanship, propaganda and disinformation campaigns, and influencers and business owners who capitalize on training you to present according to rigid gender norms (i.e. tradwives and the disciples of Andrew Tate), I wonder if intentional efforts to focus on healthy dialogue, communication, relationships, and sexuality within the next generation of students is a way to get us out of the vitriol that currently plagues American discourse.

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If you were to design a program that focuses on healthy communication and relationships for teenagers, what would you include?

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Given that we don’t have programming that focuses on healthy relationships or sexuality, many of us have to learn and unlearn in our adult relationships. Julia and I offer free 30 minute consultations with couples who are interested in pursuing relationship and sex therapy/coaching.

If you’re interested in learning how to practice this kind of sexuality and communication, the Relationship 101 Substack is the place for you!

Let’s heal together!

Jeremiah and Julia