We Need to Have Better Conversations About Infidelity!
Reflections on the four days following the disclosure of the affair at Thursday's Coldplay concert.
Next week, our Sexvangelicals podcast returns after our two month hiatus from traveling and moving! We’re continuing our series Ask Two Sex Therapists, and we’re excited to have Ally Iseman (
on the Substack) talk with us about about an increasingly common curious question that we often get: “What happens at a sex club?”Julia and I agreed to produce episodes for ten questions, and this weekend, the following images reminded us that we missed a huge question that we commonly engage with in therapy:
What happens if my partner (or I) have an affair?
Although, in our defense, this question gets asked much less frequently than you’d expect. After all, one of the major components of affairs are their secrecy; the question “What happens if I have an affair?” typically doesn’t get asked until after a partner discovers the external relationship and experiences whatever emotions associated with betrayal.
Or, in the case of Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot, the totality of Gillette Stadium, and later, the Internet, discovers the external relationship and responds in the most 21st-century way possible: tons of memes.
There’s some pretty good ones.
The team of Gavin Newsom with the heavy hitter. (And if Governor Newsom was actually the one that posted this…props.)
There’s this astute post.
And then a bunch of memes along the lines of this:
Hilarious. Witty.
And also really reflective of the larger social discourse around infidelity and sexuality.
After all, infidelity is pretty common. However, because of its dependence on secrecy, and the common experience of shame connected with socially-unsanctioned sexual behaviors, it’s hard to get an actual sense of how many people have actually had extra-marital relationships.
I really love how Daniel Cox explains it on the Survey Center for American Life:
“Unfortunately, when it comes to tracking the prevalence of relationship infidelity, there’s a lot we don’t know. A recent survey conducted by YouGov found that 50 percent of men and 58 percent of women report ever having had a spouse or partner cheat on them.
But a large, nationally representative survey we conducted in 2023 puts those numbers significantly lower. We found less than half (46 percent) of women and only 34 percent of men report that a partner or spouse has ever cheated on them. Both measures, however, may undercount the incidence of infidelity given that they only capture known occurrences.
The same YouGov survey found that one third of Americans report having cheated on their partner or spouse, although roughly one in five of those who reported cheating said it was exclusively emotional.”
That same 2022 YouGov survey also exposed another challenge when studying infidelity: The definition of “infidelity” is quite subjective.
While the majority of people connect infidelity with sexual, physical, or physically suggestive contact with another person while also in a monogamous relationship, almost half of the 1900 people assessed suggest that infidelity has an emotional component, which is really a reflection of modern monogamy.
In fact, three quarters of those interviewed considered forming an “intense emotional attachment” to another person as cheating, with the assumption that the monogamous partner (i.e. spouse, long-term dating partner) is the most important relationship in your life.
We can’t talk about infidelity without also talking about the expectations placed on the modern day monogamous relationship: That our spouses and long-term partners are expected to be our primary source of sexual, emotional, financial, administrative, parental, and companion-y connection.
As we recently discussed, this assumption bypasses the reality that every relationship is an open relationship. For instance, Julia is currently hiking with a bunch of women, and while I’m excited to reconnect with her in a few hours, the most important relationships to her in that moment are the people that she’s hiking with. I genuinely hope that she’s having a fantastic time with those people. And I assume that she’s sharing information with them that she isn’t, hasn’t, or may not ever share with me.
We wrote about this recently through the following post, and I’m sharing it here not as a promotion of ethical non-monogamy, but as an exploration of how ethical non-monogamy can help those who seek a monogamous relationship have better communication about boundaries, the expenditure of time/space/energy, and differences.
In the absence of clear practices or a common understanding of a morally or relationally ambiguous topic (i.e. infidelity), 21st century society responds with memes, jokes, some avatar-rooted hysteria and cancelling comments, and in two weeks, focus on the next nation-wide scandal.
And those who have participated in infidelity will continue to experience shame and secrecy because our micro- and macro-systems’ collective inabilities to have adult conversations about a difficult topic. This increases their likelihood of participating in secretive sexual behaviors.
And those who have experienced infidelity from a monogamous partner will find support centered around the rage of being cheated on and victimized, such as the betrayal trauma community, at the expense of practices that invite both partners to reconsider what the purpose of their relationship is (if there is one, and there commonly is following infidelity), what relational practices they intentionally want to commit to, what clear practices of reconciliation and repair might look like.
So this week, let’s have some real conversations that help address the question “What happens if my partner (or I) have an affair?”
On Wednesday, we’ll explore the research of Dylan Selterman, who writes about infidelity in early stages of a relationship. Selterman is specifically curious about how young adults navigate complex emotional experiences and communication practices for the first time in the fishbowl that is a university campus. While you are likely not an undergraduate or resident on a college campus, I think that Selterman’s discoveries have a lot to say about why affairs happen throughout the life cycle.
And on Friday, we’ll discuss a five phase process for navigating the after-effects of infidelity. If you or your partner have experienced infidelity in your relationship and decide to work with me, Julia, or another relationship therapist in your community, you will likely be guided through some version of this five-step journey.
Both of these articles will be fully accessible only to paying members. If you like what you’re reading and want to learn more about relational or sexual health, subscribe today!
Julia and I offer free 30 minute consultations with couples who are interested in pursuing relationship and sex therapy/coaching. (60 minute consultations for paying members of Relationship 101!)
We specialize in working with who participated in an Evangelical, Mormon, or Pentecostal community. Infidelity is quite common in these communities, and we can help you and your relationship discover or rediscover the role that sexuality, healthy communication, and positive agreement making might play in your life.
Let’s heal together!
Jeremiah and Julia