What is the Erotic Equation?

How Purity Culture creates eroticism, and then punishes people for accessing the sexuality that they ignited.

On Tuesday September 24, I’ll be presenting on Erotic Fantasy with the South Shore Sexual Health Center. The class is from 5:30-8:30, and is $120 to attend. (Check out “What is Erotic Fantasy?” for more context).

Although our classes are usually aimed at developing future sex therapists, this particular class offers valuable insights for everyone, whether you’re a therapist or simply interested in the subject.

We’ll start by asking folks to write down their favorite erotic fantasy. (As a note, the only person that will see what you write is you.) This could be a fantasy that has been mentally envisioned, a scene that you’ve seen/read/heard as sexually explicit media, or enacted. I’ll ask folks to both write out the plot, including how the fantasy starts and what the most pleasure-filled moment is. And I’ll ask folks to describe what they observe from their senses during this fantasy.

I did not come up with this exercise. In fact, three separate books have been written from data gathered from this exercise:

1. Tell Me What You Want, by Justin Lehmiller

2. Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? by Brett Kahr

3. The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin

Key Takeaways

Lehmiller writes about the specific behaviors, arrangements, and acts that folks are interested in. We’ll also turn to research from PornHub about what topics people search for, and what that might say about the larger psychology, fantasy, and relationship expectations of the larger public.

Kahr provides a really amazing tool called “Dimensions of Erotic Fantasy”, in which people can explore facets of their fantasy. For instance, in the sexual fantasy that you have, does your character play a more active role or a more passive role? We’ll also explore how each of us might incorporate that data into their IRL sexual experiences.

Morin describes an important framework for understanding eroticism, in what he calls “The Erotic Equation”:

Eroticism = Attraction + Obstacles

Morin writes:

“We are the most intensely excited when we are poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster.”

Morin notes that the fantasies that his research participants wrote about fell into one of four categories:

1. Longing and anticipation (39%)

2. Violating prohibitions (37%)

3. Searching for power (28%), whether by exerting control over others or allowing others to exert control over them (often gaining power through submission).

4. Overcoming ambivalence (5%)

Impact of Purity Culture on Relationships

That brings us to our professional interest: the impact of Purity Culture messaging on long-term relationships.

In Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal communities, you’re taught that the rite of passage into adulthood happens when you get married. At this point, you become a sexual person and can start the mission of evangelizing in pre-formed pairs, both to the broader world through your vocation and to your own family through the children you have.

A significant portion of content produced by these communities is vociferously marketed to unmarried folks—most notably, adolescents and young adults. And while the messaging of Purity Culture values differs widely by household, it coalesces when communicated to large groups of young people:

• Youth rallies and worship services.

• Church camp.

• Christian college campuses.

As a quick note, we titled the inaugural series of our podcast, Sexvangelicals, The Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church). All of which center around the word “Don’t”:

1. Don’t have sex before you get married.

2. Don’t be gay.

3. Don’t have wants and desires.

4. Don’t have an affair. (Monogamy only, please.)

5. Don’t watch porn. (This is especially for men, because why would women watch porn? Their pleasure doesn’t exist.)

6. Don’t say no (This is especially for women, because why would men say no to sex?)

7. Don’t ask questions.

Oh yeah, an entire generation of people (millennials) and at least half of another generation (Gen X) were exposed to Purity Culture values through public education, which was funded by the federal government. This was a result of the Article V Abstinence Only Until Marriage Act, passed by the Clinton administration in the late 90s. This act, along with copycat policies, continues to provide federal and state funding to school districts and non-profits that promote abstinence-only education.

As we say on Sexvangelicals, you don’t have to have grown up in the church to have been fucked over by the church.

A Religious Impasse

A growing number of folks have written memoirs in the last decade about the numerous double binds created by Purity Culture.

• The sexual double standard, and the fact that women are much more likely to be targeted and punished for simultaneously being too sexy and not sexy enough.

• The expectation that when you get married, a light switch turns on, transforming you from a culture of sexual deprivation to having the best sex of your life, complete with all the resources and knowledge needed for those experiences.

• The practice of sexual hypocrisy and impropriety from adults who promote Purity Culture messages from pulpits and platforms, and the dismissal of the harm that this hypocrisy and impropriety causes on individual victims and larger communities.

From our perspective, one of the most egregious double binds that Purity Culture sets up for all folks is one that manipulates principles of eroticism.

Messages of sexual abstinence actually makes sex more appealing because they create a readily accessible obstacle that people who are attracted to each other feel compelled to overcome.

And then, it punishes people who engage with the eroticism that Purity Culture created. It forces sex and sexuality underground, so that people are unable to honestly share with each other the values that they have for a desired sexual experience, leading to harried, thoughtless sex, in a best case scenario.

And in a worst case scenario, when combined with messages that depict men as sex-obsessed visual beings who must be the sexual pursuers, and women as asexual, passive China dolls who must be acted upon, it can lead to non-consensual sexual experiences.

This horrific double bind was on display each time my ex had a panic attack—something neither of us recognized as such—following a premarital sexual experience. The shame my ex felt drove us further into Purity Culture literature, like Real Sex by Lauren Winner, where we attempted to follow her advice of only engaging in physical acts we were comfortable having others observe. As we delved deeper into Purity Culture literature, the levels of eroticism increased, creating the following cycle:

We stayed in this cycle for five years.

Needless to say, getting married did not help. In fact, the forgiveness that followed shame in our premarital experiences was replaced by rage and resentment. This anger and resentment were then acted out within our relationship, rather than us finding a way to direct it at the appropriate sources.

There are tens of thousands of relationships (if not more) that have been harmed by Purity Culture’s manipulation of the erotic equation.

Connect With Us

If elements of our story resonate with you, or if you have experienced other ways in which Purity Culture has negatively impacted you, your sexuality, and your relationship, Julia and I would love to help. We can assist you in reorganizing, addressing individual and relational harms, and exploring healthy, positive, and fulfilling ways for your relationship to experience pleasure, eroticism, and joy, both within and beyond the sexual realm.

Please email us at sexvangelicals@gmail.com for more information about our coaching packages.

Let’s heal together!

Jeremiah and Julia